Saturday, May 16, 2009


I currently live in a small town where I go to school. Right now i am sitting at my dad's house where i used to live. it is torture. i love this place and i miss it so much. i miss my friends, who i am getting a small dose of yesterday and today only to have to say goodbye again. the problem is that i am torn between here and there. i have a boyfriend at school. a potentially really good thing. i've always wanted to go to school and then possibly move out of state to at least see what it is like. i don't think that is an option for him. i think he forever wants to live in the country doing the same things. part of him wants to make it big in his career, which no doubt means moving somewhere else (unless he decides to commute).
i am absolutely torn because i don't think i want to stay in that little town forever. i want to come back home or move somewhere else. it would be nice to move somewhere where my profession will make a little bit more money than here considering it's not much. it would be nice to move somewhere without much snow. it would be nice to start over. it really does scare me. it scares me to stay in this middle of nowhere existence. and it scares me to lose what could be an awesome guy. i know it is a long time away and i should take it as it comes, but it has been a question in my mind every day since i met him. what is worth sacrificing? what will make me happy? what can i live without? what can't i live without?
why is everything good always so complicated?

Friday, May 15, 2009


It's wanting something more than you have ever wanted anything. The absolute feeling of need. It's feeling like you cannot live without it, like you would just curl up in the fetal position and die. Not being able to express is like torture.
I need to feel that. I need to be able to express it. It's been so long since there was a real passion in my life. The last time I felt passion it was torn out of me, ripping my emotions and heart apart. I became so numb after that for so long. Forced to stare at my lost emotions for what seemed like an eternity. Now it is staring me in the face. It is right there, but out of reach. I want it so bad. It leaves me with the feeling that I will never feel it again, like I am not worthy of receiving. If someone says they really like you and want to possibly spend the rest of their life with you does that not warrant passion? I am in the midst of a companionate love (commitment and intimacy, but no passion) and I don't know how to move forward.
It has been 7 months. I know love is not something to be rushed. I know it cannot be forced. But hearing those words, "I want to be with you for a really long time", seems like passion should be there too. I want so bad to tell him that I love him, to be passionate with him. Why is it such an uncomfortable, unreachable concept for him? Is it that I am not the right person? If I was wouldn't it be an uncontrollable feeling? Wouldn't he need to feel it and express it just like I want to? Is this something that I want and need, but I'm trying to make it work with the wrong person? Or am I just overreacting because he just is not that type of person and I don't understand it? I really do not understand feeling something so strong and not needing to express and embrace it.
What I am most scared of is that it is there, but I cannot let it in like I want to because of being so hurt and numb for so long. Maybe I want it, but do not know how to feel it completely anymore because I subconsciously stop myself.